This is Totally Not About Gay Marriage

So, there's been a lot of judgement and opinions coming from people about a particular subject lately. It's an extremely divisive issue, and although it seems like most people are perfectly accepting of the lives and preferences of others, there are still some holdouts who decide that they know what's best for everyone, that everyone should be exactly like them, and that furthermore, it should be illegal for others to have the same rights if they have different preferences. I'm talking, of course, on the subject of bagels and bear claws.

Meow, I don't know when I realized I liked bagels. I just kind of always did. Like most people, I probably came to realize it early on in my childhood when I saw bagels at the mall, and in movies and TV. They looked really appetizing, but they were always hiding behind toppings and wrappers, so I looked up bagels on the internet, where such things can be found in their natural state. My God... the beautiful, curvy shapes, the soft, inviting center hole, it was a whole new world. By the time I was able to sink into a bagel for myself, I was hooked. I'd eat one every day if I could.

Now, sure most guys like bagels, and most girls like bear claws. It's just science. Personally, I don't care for bear claws, something about the stickiness and the large, powerful shape doesn't do it for me. I just prefer the smell and feel of a good bagel in my hands, but beyond that, I feel like you simply like what you like, you can't really say why. I can tell you some good things about my preference, but that's not to say other people don't have a completely different taste. The thought process that it's a choice implies that everyone likes both equally, and just arbitrarily decides on one or the other. Some people actually do like both, and that's cool too. I never made a conscious choice to like bagels, it's just how I am. But even though I love bagels, I'm not telling other guys they can't like bear claws. It's got absolutely nothing to do with me.

I don't really understand why someone else's preference bothers some people so much. You are a woman who likes bear claws or a man who likes bagels, okay, good for you. Why does it bother you that some other guys love downing bear claws? Some girls like tickling their fingers into a bagel, whatever. What does that have to do with you? Nobody told you that you had to stop liking what you like. Just enjoy what you enjoy and let others do the same. It's very simple.

Personally, I feel like a lot of the hatred and judgement comes from deep-seeded fears and repressed feelings that maybe you don't like your favorite baked good as much as you tell yourself you do. Maybe if you tell people that it's disgusting for a man to like bear claws, they won't suspect that perhaps you kinda like them too, deep down. I could be wrong, but psychological reasoning makes much more sense to me than my next point.

Alright, so you're hiding behind the fact that your religion says you have to enjoy a specific baked good, or it's a sin. Well, that's one tiny section of one chapter in that book, and are you really following every little piece of that text? Because a lot of that stuff is completely ass-backwards crazy, and I guarantee you don't listen to all of it. ...Because it's crazy. Riddle me this, Batman; Do you do any of the following:

You wear gold? Dress unmodestly? Have tattoos? Divorced? Watch porn? Masturbate? Eat ham, bacon, lobster, shrimp, or oysters? Touch a pig-skinned football? Work on saturdays (which we conveniently changed to sunday) or enjoy watching people working on sunday, aka football players? Or spend money in a place that is open on Sundays? If you're a woman, do you speak in church?  Ever engage in pre-marital sex? Shave your beard or allow your hair past your neck? Eat anything with fat in it or cooked in fat like fried or sauteed food?? Wear clothes made of two different fabrics???

All of those things are right up there with the one that you somehow cannot stand, and also refuse to allow others to enjoy. If you truly believe all the bat-shit crazy stuff that was written, changed, decided upon by whoever was ruling at the time, and then re-written thousands of years ago, then fine. Listen to all of it. Take your crusade from bashing and protesting people who simply have different tastes than you on one tiny segment of this book, and take it to EVERYONE who does anything I just listed. Including yourself.

A Town Under Siege; The Navarre Taco Bell Story

In June of 2013, all was well in Navarre. Bartenders joked with tourists, children laughed and played in the sun, and hard-working residents relaxed on the beach and in their pools. It's funny, it seems like so long ago now. Because on June 28th, 2013, that all changed.

On that fateful day, the proud town of Navarre, Florida lost its signature Taco Bell.

Yes, the Navarre Taco Bell. It was, of course, an institution for generations of Navarrians, and was central to the reveling history of this unique area. An integral piece of the downtown Navarre skyline; it was a beloved cultural icon for decades. But suddenly and unexpectedly, the unthinkable happened as that fateful Friday the entire building was engulfed in a sea of flames until it was nothing but a smoldering, empty husk.

Now, I cannot begin to tell you the impact it had on the community. It was an emotional time, and people simply could not fathom a life without Taco Bell. What would we do? How would we survive? Should we somehow place meat-like products and cheese into tortillas on our own? What are we, Paula Dean?!

Fortunately, Taco Bell corporate quickly came out and decided that they would build a new state-of-the-art restaurant on the same historic site. This was met with a collective sigh of relief from citizens, whose only question now was, "When will I resume stuffing my face hole with enough cheesy tortilla mass to feed half of Liberia?"

We would have to wait an unfathomable ELEVEN months until June 2, 2014.

Death toll projections were in the billions. Eleven months later, and you have a town on the verge of madness. Many of the elderly simply couldn't make it. Entire neighborhoods were lost; turned to ghost towns overnight. Most of the remaining children are on their last layers of quesadilla fat. The surviving citizens of Navarre are a testament to the relentless, indomitable spirit that exemplifies this proud culture... but everyone has a breaking point.

When the doors finally opened on June 2, 2014 it became quickly evident that they were simply not ready. Eyewitnesses describe the scene that took place that day as a massacre of inconceivable proportions. The brave employees held their posts admirably, but after one of the larger, more ape-like women became unruly and began taking out her work frustrations on the fast-food employee, it was obvious that a bloodbath was about to begin. Upon receiving news that her order would take at least 15 minutes, she roared with a terrifying bellow, vibrating her many chins, and, arm flaps gyrating, then snatched and consumed the frail boy like he was a single Beefy Nacho Griller.

The restaurant commenced to full on riot that day until martial law was declared, and it hasn't improved much since. Lines wrap through Ortega street like snakes on a Nokia. Those lucky few who do receive their meager rations greedily inhale the 5700-calorie value meal like starving, ravenous dogs. After reported waits upwards of TWENTY minutes, it's a wonder anyone makes it to payout. I've seen boys turn to men in that line before a single Crunchwrap could be hastily glued together.

So here we are, one month into the Taco Bell reopening, and it's simply not enough. You know it, and I know it. They feed and they feed, but it's not enough. It's never enough. No matter how much brownish-grey meat paste they funnel into our bellies, it's never enough. No matter how much sour cream they caulk-gun into our gullets, we go wanting. The cheese pallets run dry, and our citizens' sloppy, greasy faces twist in anguish, lamenting their torturous existence in cries of bottomless, haunting depression that would break even the most stoic of men. The insatiable need for more is never satisfied, and it leaves our tormented citizens wondering simply... Why? ...Why us? Of all the terrible things to befall mankind, why should we have the implausible fortune of a... slow, new Taco Bell? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

This isn't acceptable. We can't live like this. There is but one solution. We need...

A second Taco Bell.

UpdateStation4

So, after 7 years of development the next generation of gaming consoles is here. Mind-numbing graphics, the versatility of Netflix, internet browsers, Bluray, plus the precision-honed computing power and controller designs sexy enough to make R2-D2 blow a massive grease-load all over his casing. But the thing I've really been looking forward to, the thing everyone wants to see when they first power it up; is the updates.

Oh sweet, Jesus Moon-Walking Christ, the updates. After waiting on the console for years, there's nothing that can compare to the incredible experience of watching a download bar fill up at the speed of a Colorado DMV. I thought the orgasmic experience was over after the 45-minute download, and the console reset. But to my surprise, I was treated to the incomparably intense action of watching the updates then INSTALL. Of course! They don't just install when they download, it's a whole new process! Oh man, I was like an 8 month old kitten in heat. Another 30 minutes of sweat-wrenching glory and I thought my fun was over. Lee Corso's voice rang out in my head with an iconic "Not so fast, my friend!" I completely underestimated you, PS4.

It's not just the console that updates, it's the network, the internet browser, and any applications you install. Holy shit on a sandwich! It was a full 2 hours before I actually got to the point of putting a disc in the tray. "Prepare your anus." I thought to myself, "Here comes the boring part... Meow I have to actually play the game." No sir. The game itself has to download to the console, then IT has to update. Another round of bar-filling madness, and I was close to exhaustion. A cigarette, a soft slap on the ass, and a satisfied "Good show, old boy" to the sleek, powerful console, and it was time for the saddening, tedious process of actually playing a game.

I watch the opening video, bask in the glorious graphical nirvana, and get ready to join the others in an actual online match. As the title screen opens, a message comes up. "Error 35F-0046" (or some shit) "The Playstation Network is down."

...Sweet.

On the real though, guys, once you get past all that, this thing is pretty freakin' awesome.They fixed the network later on launch day. It's fast, it's versatile, the controller is absolutely perfect, and the games look and feel incredible; it's more crafted to gorgeous, powerful perfection than a Crossfit girl with self-esteem issues. I've played Killzone, Black Flag, and Battlefield 4, and they all ran extremely fast and smooth, looked awesome, and, most importantly, they were fun. I can't wait for Destiny, a new game from Bungie and Activision- it's basically a grittier Halo with an RPG-style customizable character (class, race, etc.) and "wide-open public combat destinations, and third-person community spaces where you can repair and rearm before going out on your next adventure." In the immortal words of Derek Zoolander, "...Sounds cool."

Digital vs. Analog Communication... In Humans

*Disclaimer: I promise the rest of my blogs won't be this heavy, but this one has been weighing on my mind.*

For at least the past 45,000 years (or 5,000 depending on your world view) modern humans have been communicating by physical means. That is, to say, we make audible sounds with our vocal chords and changes in physical expression that correspond to more complicated means of conveying thought. We're not alone in this technique, virtually every other land animal uses this means of conveying its intentions to other members of its own, or other, species. However, this has been slowly changing. It began with written word, and within the past several decades the advent of digital communication has sent us barreling into the future with a form of message conveyance that is more efficient, easier, and, in many ways, better than ever.

However, this ability is also a gigantic responsibility, the ramifications of which, I feel the majority of people cannot truly grasp. There are two major points that I want to make about this subject, and I certainly realize that I'm guilty of both. It's because I've noticed these things, certainly in others, but just as much in myself, that I want to make these points. First, while technology is a great and helps us in many ways, we've become so accustomed to having information at our fingertips that we spend more time living in an digital abstract world than we do enjoying the world and people that are actually around us. My second point is that when someone expresses an opinion to another person in the physical realm, they are subject to the immediate reaction of the opposing person. This is extremely important, our social evolution is built upon that fact that your statements are subject to the immediate response of others. Online bullying, celebrity worship/detraction; these are constructs of a system that dehumanizes the subject.

When you make a statement to another human being, you are subject to their physical, emotional reaction. Interpersonal communication is just that; personal. People are much more careful about what they say to, or about, another person when that person is present. This is because the subject's personal reaction to a damaging statement is visible sadness or hurt; which, in turn, affects the person who made the statement. Making someone feel bad about themselves in real life will actually make you feel bad for doing so, because that's the way we are built. However, this only works if you see the reaction of the targeted person. Because we communicate digitally so often, we really have to make an honest attempt to picture the other person literally sitting at their computer, reading the statements we make, while we make them.

One time I was reading this really long Imgur post from this person who was talking about how depressed they were, and how nobody understood what they were going through, blah, blah, blah, and I'll be honest, my immediate reaction was "meh, downvote you and your attention whoring post." But then I thought about the actual human being. I thought about this person who spent 20 minutes writing this super depressing post, and just wanted someone to talk to. That person is sitting at their computer, reloads their page, and sees their already depressing post go from 1 upvote to 0. They are completely alone in the world, and realizes nobody cares about them at all. It gave me the saddest feeling because I thought about the actual reaction of another human being to the actions that I would've taken, however light they may have seemed to me. So I sent the person a message, we spoke back and forth, and, long story short, she was going through some really tough shit that I could never even imagine, she just wanted someone to talk to, and felt a lot better having done so. But it was because I took into consideration the actual human that I reacted the way I did. So, with that, I simply encourage you to picture the people you are interacting with online as if they are sitting in front of you. Treat them like a human being, empathize, and take into consideration their feelings before you say things. It's not easy, and I know I'm probably more guilty of this than many, but I just encourage you to make a conscious effort to do so. Talking down to someone may make you feel good about yourself briefly, but I guarantee you that making someone feel good about themselves will make you feel a lot better.

The other side of digital communication and social media is that we use it to distract ourselves from actual human interaction, and simply being a human being in real life. We spend our entire day, from wake to sleep dealing things that aren't even physically taking place in our lives. So often, I see, and am in direct contact with people who are on their phones the majority of the time they are out in the world. People spend more time interacting with others digitally than they do physically. Because it's so easy to interact with others, we just... do. People will sit there at their friend's house, at a party, at a restaurant, etc. and spend the majority of their time looking down at their phone- texting, checking social media, or otherwise digitally interacting with people and living outside of the life that they are physically in. AND IT'S JUST SAD. I'm sorry, but it is. Sit back, breathe in, and look at the world around you. Contemplate the inevitability of death, discuss the nature of life and your purpose, ENJOY the fact that you are given 80 years on a planet specifically designed for you, and just think... Just think about something other than pointless bullshit that won't matter in 10 years, let alone 10 weeks. We weren't meant to spend every waking hour glued to a screen.

A lot of what I'm trying to convey is summed up perfectly by Louis C.K. in this Conan segment, so take a look at this... http://youtu.be/5HbYScltf1c

Again, I fully realize the irony that I'm writing this on a blog, and that literally all of you are reading this because I posted it on social media, but, as I said earlier... message conveyance has gotten easier, and in many ways, better, than ever. Technology is a good thing, but that doesn't mean we have to be slaves to it. Filter it, use it because it's helpful and useful, not because you don't know what else to do. Technology makes a lot of things better, but it's also a huge responsibility, and we can't take that responsibility lightly. So in the end, I just ask that we make an honest attempt to respect each other, and realize that life is more than frivolous updates.

Welcome friends, to the Roblog

You know, I was at my computer, trudging through tedious job applications, wondering how I can make my resume more impressive, and somehow carve out something for myself. I sit there every day, reading poorly-written, short-sighted posts from people with little to no business on a keyboard, and I thought to myself, "What does the world really, truly need...?" The answer hit me like the putrid cloud from a Gulf Coast lift station; Another opinionated douchebag writing a blog nobody reads! It's nothing short of genius. I can hone my marginally impressive writing skills, while entertaining hundreds! Well... dozens! Okay- occasionally my sister! And with that, I give you, the maiden voyage of "The Roblog Lolblog."

I'd ask you to follow me here on Google+, but let's be honest, that's like asking you to listen to a Zune podcast. What's that? Exactly. So, I'll share periodic links to my Facebook account, and make it relatively easy to stay updated on my pseudo news.

If you haven't already lost interest and stopped reading, you're probably wondering, "What exactly will Robert be writing about?" A fair question, a couple of my good friends have wildly entertaining and insightful blogs, and it's been said that for it to be successful, you should specialize in a certain niche. However, the expectation of success has never stood in the way of my frivolous ventures before, so, onward and downward! In the end, what can I promise for this blog? Slightly-doctored anecdotes, somewhat insightful reviews of entertainment, mildly obscure references, and the occasional thought-provoking opinion piece.

This first entry is obviously just an introduction to my blog, and the first actual piece has yet to be decided. I'm leaning towards "Swapping Analog Communication for Digital... In Humans" (for obvious reasons). I'll try not to beat you to death with incomprehensible wording. That being said, my writing certainly won't be a collection of TMZ-style meaningless idiocy, so have your Wiktionary tab ready if you were, suffice to say, never an English major. Meow, in the mildly unexpected condition that you really enjoy my writing, and have a suggestion for a subject you'd like to hear me address, I would obviously love to hear from you. So sit back, plan out an extended bathroom break, and get ready for a series of articles that will entertain you, possibly piss you off, and occasionally make you say "Hmm... I guess he kind of has a point."