UpdateStation4

So, after 7 years of development the next generation of gaming consoles is here. Mind-numbing graphics, the versatility of Netflix, internet browsers, Bluray, plus the precision-honed computing power and controller designs sexy enough to make R2-D2 blow a massive grease-load all over his casing. But the thing I've really been looking forward to, the thing everyone wants to see when they first power it up; is the updates.

Oh sweet, Jesus Moon-Walking Christ, the updates. After waiting on the console for years, there's nothing that can compare to the incredible experience of watching a download bar fill up at the speed of a Colorado DMV. I thought the orgasmic experience was over after the 45-minute download, and the console reset. But to my surprise, I was treated to the incomparably intense action of watching the updates then INSTALL. Of course! They don't just install when they download, it's a whole new process! Oh man, I was like an 8 month old kitten in heat. Another 30 minutes of sweat-wrenching glory and I thought my fun was over. Lee Corso's voice rang out in my head with an iconic "Not so fast, my friend!" I completely underestimated you, PS4.

It's not just the console that updates, it's the network, the internet browser, and any applications you install. Holy shit on a sandwich! It was a full 2 hours before I actually got to the point of putting a disc in the tray. "Prepare your anus." I thought to myself, "Here comes the boring part... Meow I have to actually play the game." No sir. The game itself has to download to the console, then IT has to update. Another round of bar-filling madness, and I was close to exhaustion. A cigarette, a soft slap on the ass, and a satisfied "Good show, old boy" to the sleek, powerful console, and it was time for the saddening, tedious process of actually playing a game.

I watch the opening video, bask in the glorious graphical nirvana, and get ready to join the others in an actual online match. As the title screen opens, a message comes up. "Error 35F-0046" (or some shit) "The Playstation Network is down."

...Sweet.

On the real though, guys, once you get past all that, this thing is pretty freakin' awesome.They fixed the network later on launch day. It's fast, it's versatile, the controller is absolutely perfect, and the games look and feel incredible; it's more crafted to gorgeous, powerful perfection than a Crossfit girl with self-esteem issues. I've played Killzone, Black Flag, and Battlefield 4, and they all ran extremely fast and smooth, looked awesome, and, most importantly, they were fun. I can't wait for Destiny, a new game from Bungie and Activision- it's basically a grittier Halo with an RPG-style customizable character (class, race, etc.) and "wide-open public combat destinations, and third-person community spaces where you can repair and rearm before going out on your next adventure." In the immortal words of Derek Zoolander, "...Sounds cool."