A Town Under Siege; The Navarre Taco Bell Story

In June of 2013, all was well in Navarre. Bartenders joked with tourists, children laughed and played in the sun, and hard-working residents relaxed on the beach and in their pools. It's funny, it seems like so long ago now. Because on June 28th, 2013, that all changed.

On that fateful day, the proud town of Navarre, Florida lost its signature Taco Bell.

Yes, the Navarre Taco Bell. It was, of course, an institution for generations of Navarrians, and was central to the reveling history of this unique area. An integral piece of the downtown Navarre skyline; it was a beloved cultural icon for decades. But suddenly and unexpectedly, the unthinkable happened as that fateful Friday the entire building was engulfed in a sea of flames until it was nothing but a smoldering, empty husk.

Now, I cannot begin to tell you the impact it had on the community. It was an emotional time, and people simply could not fathom a life without Taco Bell. What would we do? How would we survive? Should we somehow place meat-like products and cheese into tortillas on our own? What are we, Paula Dean?!

Fortunately, Taco Bell corporate quickly came out and decided that they would build a new state-of-the-art restaurant on the same historic site. This was met with a collective sigh of relief from citizens, whose only question now was, "When will I resume stuffing my face hole with enough cheesy tortilla mass to feed half of Liberia?"

We would have to wait an unfathomable ELEVEN months until June 2, 2014.

Death toll projections were in the billions. Eleven months later, and you have a town on the verge of madness. Many of the elderly simply couldn't make it. Entire neighborhoods were lost; turned to ghost towns overnight. Most of the remaining children are on their last layers of quesadilla fat. The surviving citizens of Navarre are a testament to the relentless, indomitable spirit that exemplifies this proud culture... but everyone has a breaking point.

When the doors finally opened on June 2, 2014 it became quickly evident that they were simply not ready. Eyewitnesses describe the scene that took place that day as a massacre of inconceivable proportions. The brave employees held their posts admirably, but after one of the larger, more ape-like women became unruly and began taking out her work frustrations on the fast-food employee, it was obvious that a bloodbath was about to begin. Upon receiving news that her order would take at least 15 minutes, she roared with a terrifying bellow, vibrating her many chins, and, arm flaps gyrating, then snatched and consumed the frail boy like he was a single Beefy Nacho Griller.

The restaurant commenced to full on riot that day until martial law was declared, and it hasn't improved much since. Lines wrap through Ortega street like snakes on a Nokia. Those lucky few who do receive their meager rations greedily inhale the 5700-calorie value meal like starving, ravenous dogs. After reported waits upwards of TWENTY minutes, it's a wonder anyone makes it to payout. I've seen boys turn to men in that line before a single Crunchwrap could be hastily glued together.

So here we are, one month into the Taco Bell reopening, and it's simply not enough. You know it, and I know it. They feed and they feed, but it's not enough. It's never enough. No matter how much brownish-grey meat paste they funnel into our bellies, it's never enough. No matter how much sour cream they caulk-gun into our gullets, we go wanting. The cheese pallets run dry, and our citizens' sloppy, greasy faces twist in anguish, lamenting their torturous existence in cries of bottomless, haunting depression that would break even the most stoic of men. The insatiable need for more is never satisfied, and it leaves our tormented citizens wondering simply... Why? ...Why us? Of all the terrible things to befall mankind, why should we have the implausible fortune of a... slow, new Taco Bell? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

This isn't acceptable. We can't live like this. There is but one solution. We need...

A second Taco Bell.